theROCK

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. That word has probably caused more anxiety, anger, bewilderment, and peace than any other word we use . . . even love. Forgiveness is the “meat and potatoes” of relationship. It is the glue that bonds every heart-felt association we have. How often have we really forgiven someone? How often have we had something terribly important taken from us, and then struggle to forgive the person who has taken it? How often do we equate forgiveness with being weak instead of being strong? How does letting go of the hurt that someone has wrought upon us, produce the only real healing.

I have no specific answer to the many questions I pose. What I do have to offer as a solution is an image, Jesus on the Cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Have you ever been able to say that in full honesty? My answer when I am asked for the meaning of heart wrenching event questions is Jesus on the Cross.
I don’t have polished words to ease someone’s distress, all I have for them is the Cross. If Jesus died for everyone, then he died for those who loved him and stood at the foot of the cross as well as the person who hammered the nails into his flesh. Jesus gave us the meaning, the substance of forgiveness. He did so not just as an example, but as a participation in our action of forgiveness. I want you to understand that the Real Presence of Jesus that we are expounding on in the Eucharist Revival means that in every act of forgiveness, God is there to give us the necessary grace to really forgive, to really forgive and the forget. If you ever have trouble forgiving, just look at the Crucifix. In that mystery is your answer.

Pursue Reconciliation

Jesus’ message in the Matthew 18:15-20 is clear and simple – but far from easy. Resolving conflict can be painful, confusing, and difficult. But Jesus is the divine physician – not only healer and savior of our souls, but also the healer of our earthly relationships. Sometimes pain caused between two people is so harmful, so damaging, and so deep, that it may seem impossible that it can be healed or fixed. But the love of Jesus can and will break every chain, heal every broken heart, and extinguish all bitterness and resentment if we fully entrust ourselves to him.

Telling someone they hurt you takes courage. Asking forgiveness is vulnerable and humbling. It seems so simple, but when emotions get involved, trust is broken, and betrayal and hurt are at the forefront, it can be challenging what steps forward to take. How many times have I taken the easy way out by ignoring the hurt someone caused me, allowing it to fester, and building up resentment towards them? How many times have I also made excuses, trying to justify my actions instead of owning the hurt I caused someone else and asking their forgiveness?

The passage wraps up in a way that’s seemingly unrelated to his first instruction for reconciliation, but I think Jesus is getting at this: the only way Christ can be truly present among us is if we have peace and unity in the body of Christ. Where there is brokenness in the body, healing must occur. For healing to happen, the process of reconciliation must be initiated. But whose responsibility is it? Who is to blame? Should I make the first move or is it on them?

Here’s 4 valuable steps I have learned when it comes to conflict resolution in relationships based on this Biblical passage:

1. Whether you hurt someone or they hurt you, it is both parties’ responsibilities to pursue reconciliation. As the offended, it can be easy to pridefully wait for your accuser to admit their fault. Move past your pride, approach the person, and tell them how and why they hurt you and how that’s affected you. Give them an opportunity to apologize. You MUST do this, even if you think you aren’t ready to forgive them. As the offender, if you know you caused someone damage, approach them to apologize for your actions, recognize the pain that was caused, and ask them what it will take to move forward. And ask their forgiveness. In both cases – take the initiative and don’t expect the other person to do so. Both people can come away with a better understanding of the other person.
2. Tell the person how they hurt you, between just you and them. Leave others out of it. Do not gossip, do not complain about it. If it is helpful, speak to a mentor or a very close friend who will not spread rumors, but is sincerely there to help you and support you through it. Bringing others into the conflict will only hurt and compromise other relationships.
3. Don’t do nothing. “Time heals all wounds” is completely false. Time can help heal, but without pursuit of reconciliation and forgiveness, there can be no real healing. Do not brood over an offense – speak about it directly, privately, and face to face. The longer you wait, the longer the unopened wound goes untreated.
4. And rely on Jesus. Ask Jesus to heal and comfort the person’s soul whom you hurt. And if you have been hurt, pray for your offender, because they are also suffering. Rely on the Divine Physician to do the work that we can’t – which is healing. Fix your eyes on the cross and allow his forgiveness for every offense ever done to wash over you and your current situation.

Windshield or Rear-view Mirror

Apparently, I am a broken record. When I retired from UPS, the team gave me a list of phrases I used over and over dubbed “michael-isms”. One of my favorites is “There is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror”.

We can learn from the past, but we can’t change it. We can dwell in a “should of, could of, would of, if only I’d” mindset, or we can take action. We can rationalize our mistakes, our
sins, and repeat them, or we can stop choosing to sin and choose to change. We can get our only joy from things that occurred decades ago, or  we can create new successes, new
memories. We can live in the rearview mirror, or we can look out the windshield and impact our future.

The same is true for how we treat others. Do we hold grudges and not give second chances or do we forgive and actually forget or at least move on? Do we tell people everything they “do wrong” or do we provide solutions, ideas, support, and help them to impact their future? Do we look at those less fortunate and say, “well they must have made bad
choices” or do we offer a loving hand and encouragement?

Thankfully, God has the largest windshield. He forgives unconditionally when we ask. He provides us the framework and tools for a positive Christian life full of love. He wants us to glance in the rearview for we learn from the past, but focus on what is ahead. His Son is THE example. Jesus loved and forgave sinners, helped the exiled, and challenged everyone to join Him to change this world.

The choice is ours. Reside in the past or live and love in the windshield. Want to change the broken world, whether personal, local, and larger? Choose to follow the golden rule.
Choose to be Christ to someone each and every day.