theROCK

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. That word has probably caused more anxiety, anger, bewilderment, and peace than any other word we use . . . even love. Forgiveness is the “meat and potatoes” of relationship. It is the glue that bonds every heart-felt association we have. How often have we really forgiven someone? How often have we had something terribly important taken from us, and then struggle to forgive the person who has taken it? How often do we equate forgiveness with being weak instead of being strong? How does letting go of the hurt that someone has wrought upon us, produce the only real healing.

I have no specific answer to the many questions I pose. What I do have to offer as a solution is an image, Jesus on the Cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Have you ever been able to say that in full honesty? My answer when I am asked for the meaning of heart wrenching event questions is Jesus on the Cross.
I don’t have polished words to ease someone’s distress, all I have for them is the Cross. If Jesus died for everyone, then he died for those who loved him and stood at the foot of the cross as well as the person who hammered the nails into his flesh. Jesus gave us the meaning, the substance of forgiveness. He did so not just as an example, but as a participation in our action of forgiveness. I want you to understand that the Real Presence of Jesus that we are expounding on in the Eucharist Revival means that in every act of forgiveness, God is there to give us the necessary grace to really forgive, to really forgive and the forget. If you ever have trouble forgiving, just look at the Crucifix. In that mystery is your answer.

Pursue Reconciliation

Jesus’ message in the Matthew 18:15-20 is clear and simple – but far from easy. Resolving conflict can be painful, confusing, and difficult. But Jesus is the divine physician – not only healer and savior of our souls, but also the healer of our earthly relationships. Sometimes pain caused between two people is so harmful, so damaging, and so deep, that it may seem impossible that it can be healed or fixed. But the love of Jesus can and will break every chain, heal every broken heart, and extinguish all bitterness and resentment if we fully entrust ourselves to him.

Telling someone they hurt you takes courage. Asking forgiveness is vulnerable and humbling. It seems so simple, but when emotions get involved, trust is broken, and betrayal and hurt are at the forefront, it can be challenging what steps forward to take. How many times have I taken the easy way out by ignoring the hurt someone caused me, allowing it to fester, and building up resentment towards them? How many times have I also made excuses, trying to justify my actions instead of owning the hurt I caused someone else and asking their forgiveness?

The passage wraps up in a way that’s seemingly unrelated to his first instruction for reconciliation, but I think Jesus is getting at this: the only way Christ can be truly present among us is if we have peace and unity in the body of Christ. Where there is brokenness in the body, healing must occur. For healing to happen, the process of reconciliation must be initiated. But whose responsibility is it? Who is to blame? Should I make the first move or is it on them?

Here’s 4 valuable steps I have learned when it comes to conflict resolution in relationships based on this Biblical passage:

1. Whether you hurt someone or they hurt you, it is both parties’ responsibilities to pursue reconciliation. As the offended, it can be easy to pridefully wait for your accuser to admit their fault. Move past your pride, approach the person, and tell them how and why they hurt you and how that’s affected you. Give them an opportunity to apologize. You MUST do this, even if you think you aren’t ready to forgive them. As the offender, if you know you caused someone damage, approach them to apologize for your actions, recognize the pain that was caused, and ask them what it will take to move forward. And ask their forgiveness. In both cases – take the initiative and don’t expect the other person to do so. Both people can come away with a better understanding of the other person.
2. Tell the person how they hurt you, between just you and them. Leave others out of it. Do not gossip, do not complain about it. If it is helpful, speak to a mentor or a very close friend who will not spread rumors, but is sincerely there to help you and support you through it. Bringing others into the conflict will only hurt and compromise other relationships.
3. Don’t do nothing. “Time heals all wounds” is completely false. Time can help heal, but without pursuit of reconciliation and forgiveness, there can be no real healing. Do not brood over an offense – speak about it directly, privately, and face to face. The longer you wait, the longer the unopened wound goes untreated.
4. And rely on Jesus. Ask Jesus to heal and comfort the person’s soul whom you hurt. And if you have been hurt, pray for your offender, because they are also suffering. Rely on the Divine Physician to do the work that we can’t – which is healing. Fix your eyes on the cross and allow his forgiveness for every offense ever done to wash over you and your current situation.

Faith. Hope. Perseverence.

On August 27, we celebrate the feast of St. Monica. I “met” St. Monica a few years ago. While I knew of her, I took the time to learn more about her in order to establish a friendship. I now call upon her daily as I try to live with and understand the changing nature of my role as mother, now that my children are adults. This is a struggle for me; the balancing act between continuing to teach but doing it in a way that will not be seen as too pushy. The life of St. Monica sheds some light on how to navigate this tenuous terrain. After all, I only want the best for my children, all children, and that is a life rooted in Jesus Christ. 

St. Monica was married to a pagan man who respected her beliefs but was unwilling to have their three children baptized. Their children were Augustine, Navigus, and Perpetua.  Monica would pray fervently for her husband’s conversion, and one year prior to his death, he was converted. In that time, Navigus and Perpetua entered into religious life, but Augustine was nothing but lazy and uncouth. Worried, Monica sent him away to Carthage for an education. Unfortunately, Augustine established an appreciation for a philosophy of life that was not Christian. Upon returning home and telling his mother, she kicked him out of the house. Feeling remorse, she reconciled with her son and pursued a different approach. She sought counsel from many people and  eventually forged a relationship with St. Ambrose. Augustine was eventually brought to conversion after seventeen years of persistence. Augustine went on to become St. Augustine.  (www.catholic.org).

What was the secret? Faith. Hope.  Perseverance in prayer. St. Monica found every avenue to teach in subtle and not so subtle ways. She called upon the Saints. She asked for help.  She sought support. She relied upon the Mass and making sacrifices. Her story demonstrates how even when you don’t think your children/next generation isn’t paying attention or listening, they most certainly are. If you read Confessions by St. Augustine, you will definitely see that St. Monica’s actions had more of an impact than her words. She never gave up on her son, because God never gives up on us. 

St. Monica,
I need your prayers. You know exactly how I'm feeling because you once felt it yourself. I'm hurting, hopeless, and in despair. I desperately want my child to return to Christ in his Church but I can't do it alone. I need God's help. Please join me in begging the Lord's powerful grace to flow into my child's life. Ask the Lord Jesus to soften his heart, prepare a path for his conversion, and activate the Holy Spirit in his life. Amen.